Self–compassion, as defined by Neff (2003), refers to the individual’s ability to treat himself exactly as he would treat a loved one in a time of need: with kindness, warmth and acceptance. In other words, it is a general attitude of understanding and acceptance towards the sides of ourselves in moments of pain or failure. This pain can come either from external conditions, or from the actions of the person himself, his failures or personal weaknesses.

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More specifically, self–compassion consists of three elements: a) self–kindness, that is, the adoption of an attitude of care and understanding towards oneself in moments of pain or weakness, which contrasts with the intense critical, hostile and demeaning view of the self, calling into question its general value, b) common humanity, that is, the consideration of the negative aspects as part of the human experience, as all people have imperfections, make mistakes and fail, rather than being seen as separate, putting the individual at risk of being isolated from society as a whole, and c) mindfulness, that is, the ability of the individual to maintain his painful thoughts and feelings in a conscious awareness, in an emotional balance and peace, even when facing difficult situations, instead of avoiding them on the one hand, and on the other hand over–identifying with them to an excessive degree. Mindfulness is the middle ground between these two, that is, individuals do not repress, nor deny painful emotions, nor dramatize them, but recognize and accept the negative experience.

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Moving on, it is worth distinguishing self–compassion from other similar psychological concepts, which may very often be confused with it. The first of these is the concept of self–pity. Self–pity as a concept seems to share with self–compassion only the element of self–kindness. However, the person in self–pity, is unable to put his situation into perspective and focus on anything beyond his personal drama. However, people with self–compassion maintain a healthy distance from their problems, without however ignoring them, and at the same time realize the constant need to integrate into the wider society.

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The second concept is that of self–indulgence. The greatest questioning of self–compassion arises from the fear of individuals that if they adopt it, it will be very easy for them to let go and avoid anything that may be painful for them, regardless of whether it is necessary. However, the awareness that self–compassion includes is related to the individual’s ability to recognize that the purpose is to find positive elements in almost, all experiences, even painful ones, and that the treatment and experience of pain is necessary for the ultimate goal of mental and physical health. Often, painful or unpleasant experiences are inevitable, or even necessary, and the traditional tactic of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain is not suitable for a balanced life.

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The third and final concept is that of self–esteem. However, the main distinction between self–compassion and self–esteem lies in the different orientation of these two concepts. Self–esteem is based on constant evaluations of oneself and others in order to regulate one’s sense of personal worth, so as to make them feel better. On the contrary, self–compassion does not require comparisons. It is a personal matter of each person and does not depend on successes or failures. He recognizes failure as inevitable and, indeed, its value long–term. By definition, after all, self–compassion is reserved for the moments when life takes on unexpected, uncomfortable, or painful tropes. Self–compassionate individuals do not tend to be compared to others, nor do they have any special trait to feel good about themselves.

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Finally, one of the most widespread experiential exercises, which has proven to be particularly effective to cultivate this new way of relating to oneself, is called <<Self-compassion Break>>. The self– compassion break is an activity that is easy to implement at any time during the day or night. The participant recalls in his memory an event that was unpleasant to him, and provokes thoughts on his own with the three components of self–compassion that he has learned. The participant is not passive in the process, but recognizes his emotions and observes, at the same time, his physical reactions. The aim of the exercise is for the participant to recognize his thoughts, feelings and physical reactions when he is in a situation that causes him anxiety and stress. The goal is also for the individual to accept this situation as a reality and to recognize that pain is part of our being and that it is something that happens to all people. And finally, to discover helpful phrases, corresponding to each stage, in order to recall them in the moments when he feels pain and experiences negative emotions.

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Lithoxoidou Sophia, Psychologist, Graduate student of Positive Psychology,

Intern at the Day Centre of  IASIS NGO

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References

  • Neff, K. D. (2003b). Self-Compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself.
  • Book: Conquering Prosperity. Positive Interventions, Techniques and Experiential Exercises, TOPOS Publications